How do we figure out resilience? I ask because I am going through a very difficult time,  perhaps almost a rite of passage, and Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain - two people I admire so much - passed away this week. Both news are still so shocking to me.

Kate Spade because to me she embodied joy and optimism. Going into her store is like drinking orange juice while chewing Pez - sweet and sunny but with distinct sharp flavour. She seemed to have so much life and emboldened my love for hot pink and taxicab yellow. How I loved her so and how it showed - through bags and phone-cases and jewellery. I know that she wasn't really the designer anymore, but I wanted some of her spirit in the only way that was available - through modern commerce.

She is gone now. 

How can it be that my symbol of pep and positivity is now associated with death.

How do I reconcile the two?

For Anthony - Tony - he was also life. Adventure and spunk and freedom and a devil-may-care attitude. Perhaps he cared in ways unseen to us. Perhaps he cared too much, and I can identify with that. But look at him rockin' and rollin' through all these exotic places. He had my dream job. Tasting cultures - literally - and testing prejudices, in smirky spicy prose. I lived vicariously through his swagger, as I edit another press release or fold another pile of laundry. 

How can he be gone? 

How!

It must be said: I am angry. What is going on with this world. How can we allow these brilliant flashes of light fall dim? What can we do to stop them from going dim and why are we not doing everything we can to help people of all degree of light stay in the light?

For me, some days are good, some not so. Sometimes I am the reenactment of Holly Hunter in Broadcast News! Because sometimes the problems seem so intractable and the future seems so uncertain - not even murky, just plain unknown - that the only response is complete fear. 

But after some time, I get back up. 

I don't know how I do it. Sometimes it requires the passage of time - a few hours, a night's sleep. Sometimes it takes a smile from my son or a hug from my daughter. Sometimes it is a stupid joke that I come up with. I can make myself laugh, I am weird that way. Sometimes it is an article about the Rohingya, which often sets me off on a path of outrage. Fury is energy. Sometimes it is being in the presence of a beautiful bloom: a lily, a rose, gardenias.

I am glad for whatever spurs my resilience. I won't lie - sometimes I worry that my resilience will fail. Because I have yet to figure out how it works. Can we all figure out the secrets to our resilience together?

I will miss you so very much, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Big hole in my universe where you two once proudly stood.